Four Weekly "Counseling Corner" Columns for August 2006 Follow:
For Publication: week of August 7, 2006
Contact: John Lough, (208) 424-1900
email: counselingcorner@counseling.org
The Counseling Corner
Don't Let Road Rage Put You At Risk
from the American Counseling Association
You're behind the wheel... it's a hot day... you're late... traffic is heavy. Suddenly you're behind someone setting a new standard for bad driving. Next it's stop and go past six guys leaning on shovels and staring into a hole at another road construction project. Guess who's suddenly upset.
Today's crowded highways often bring frustration, especially when we're hurrying to get somewhere on time. Usually, we just live with it, but sometimes we find these driving annoyances actually making us angry. That's road rage, and it's something that increases our driving risk.
For most of us, The term "road rage" usually means the extreme cases the media like to report – angry driving resulting in speeding, a serious accident or even worse. Thankfully, such reactions are very rare. However, much more common is the everyday occurrence of slowly getting angry over someone's bad driving or the delays of a traffic jam. But even mild road rage anger can present a real danger to you, your passengers and other innocent drivers.
Anger comes when something is interfering with our progress toward a desired goal, whether on the road or in other situations in life. This anger affects both our minds and our bodies, and can directly interfere with our judgment and ability to drive safely.
What's happening is an automatic response to a stressful situation. It's your body taking action to protect you — the "fight or flight" reaction inherited from our prehistoric ancestors.
It starts with your muscles tightening and your circulatory system contracting. Your blood pressure rises, your skin becomes flushed, your pupils dilate and your digestive system shuts down. Your body has prepared itself to deal with that stressful situation. You're ready to either fight or run away.
While that was a helpful response for our ancient ancestors suddenly facing a large, threatening beast, for a driver today simply stuck in traffic, it's an automatic reaction we want to control. And, fortunately, that can be done.
Start by reminding yourself that what's happening is not your fault and is outside your control. Yelling, calling names and making rude gestures won't improve the driving skills of that driver randomly changing lanes in front of you. Steam coming out of your ears will not make that construction project magically disappear.
Recognize that what's happening on the road isn't personal. That bad driver isn't driving terribly just to upset you. That traffic jam isn't happening just because you're in your car.
Rather than wasting energy trying to change things over which you have no power, use your energy in ways that benefit you. When you can't control the things upsetting you (that bad driver, that traffic backup), instead control your own reactions in order to protect yourself and your health.
Start with those tight muscles. Actively try to relax them. Taking several deep breaths actually will help. At the same time, attempt to physically relax them. Concentrate on one muscle group, such as one leg, and consciously relax those muscles. One way is to first intentionally tighten the muscles, hold it for a second or two, and then relax that muscle group. Work through the various muscle groups in your body, trying to get each to a more relaxed state.
You also want to regain control of your mental focus. Turn on your car radio or CD player and make a conscious effort to focus on what you're hearing. Instead of stewing about that bad driver or the traffic jam, pay attention to that song or what's being said on the radio.
Letting your anger take control leaves you less alert in relation to your driving and traffic situations that can occur suddenly. Consciously relaxing muscles and focusing more on the radio or that CD provides a controlled mental focus that isn't just about the frustration you're feeling.
For most of us, just these small steps to control anger can make us better, safer drivers. However, if you find your anger is hard to control, or that you're getting angry in a variety of situations, there may be bigger issues. You might want to check out relaxation training or a stress and anger management course for a healthier, happier you.
"The Counseling Corner" is provided as a public service by the American Counseling Association, the nation's largest organization of counseling professionals. Additional information for consumers and counseling professionals is available through the ACA web site at www.counseling.org.
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For Publication: week of August 14, 2006
Contact: John Lough, (208) 424-1900
email: counselingcorner@counseling.org
The Counseling Corner
Understanding the Teen-Parent Communication Gap
from the American Counseling Association
You want to be a good parent. You try to talk to your teenager about what's happening in his or her life. You want to help with the problems and uncertainties he or she is facing.
And yet it often feels as if you're each from different planets. There doesn't seem to be a common language, and your efforts elicit only stoney silence, meaningless grunts or outright hostility over your daring to communicate. That inability to connect makes many parents wonder just what's "wrong" either with them or their child.
In reality, there isn't necessarily anything "wrong." Rather, there are real reasons why teen-parent communications can be difficult.
One is that it isn't easy being a teenager, especially in today's world. Normal teenage development brings a variety of unsettling biological, psychological and emotional changes. Add the pressures of school, extracurricular activities, a part-time job and the anxiety of college or a career just around the corner, and it becomes clearer why the open communication of the pre-teen years suddenly seems more difficult.
Teenagers often feel that parents just can't understand all the changes the teen is facing. And while parents don't mean to, some of their actions actually promote such views as the parents react to the growing independence most teens seek.
Teenagers recognize they're becoming more mature and more capable of making their own decisions. It's natural to desire more freedom and the trust of their parents. And while we want to encourage independence in our children (do you really want junior still living in the basement when he's 37?), we also know that it's a dangerous world out there. As a result we often hesitate, out of concern for their safety, to grant our teens the independence and responsibility they desire. For the teen, that's easy to interpret as a lack of trust.
As a result, when teens have concerns and problems they want to discuss, the first person they usually turn to is another teen, according to research studies. A second choice is a trusted adult, but someone outside the immediate family. Why?
It's seldom because teens dislike or don't trust their parents. More often it's a fear that when they share feelings of uncertainty or insecurity, their parents will see them as still immature and unready for the freedoms they so badly desire. Opening up to a parent makes the teen feel vulnerable and no teen wants that.
Teenagers also recognize they need their parents' love and respect in order to gain their freedom, so they often are willing to present only their strengths and best side to their parents. If they talk about things that worry or scare them, or mistakes they've made, it's going to make their parents even less willing to trust them.
But while all this makes parent-teen communication harder to accomplish, it's important not to give up the effort. Even when most attempts lead nowhere, sometimes the door will open to real communication. As importantly, your attempts to stay connected with your teen, even when unsuccessful, still demonstrate your love and concern.
It can also help to communicate your own fears and anxieties about granting increased freedoms. If your teen can hear you explain why you hesitate to say yes to his or her requests for greater responsibility, it may not win acceptance and total understanding of your decision, but it can help open up a meaningful dialogue and lead to compromises where you both feel more accepting of the outcome.
Look for opportunities to let your teenager know that you do sympathize with at least some of the things he or she is facing. Be understanding when mistakes are made. Offer positive feedback when your teen shows good judgement or takes on more responsibility. Let him or her know that your trust and respect is being earned.
Opening up parent-teen communication takes work, but it's worth the effort. When communication with your teen is almost non-existent, or consists mostly of angry shouting, nobody is happy and it's time to take action. Don't expect miracles, but meaningful communication between parents and a teen is certainly possible.
"The Counseling Corner" is provided as a public service by the American Counseling Association, the nation's largest organization of counseling professionals. Additional information for consumers and counseling professionals is available through the ACA web site at www.counseling.org.
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For Publication: the week of August 21, 2006
Contact: John Lough, (208) 424-1900
email: counselingcorner@counseling.org
The Counseling Corner
Be A Better Friend By Being A Better Listener
from the American Counseling Association
Most of us realize how important friendships are in our lives. We're all social creatures and when we have friends we enjoy being with, it contributes to our overall sense of well-being and to positive mental health.
But solid, meaningful friendships usually don't just happen. Good friendships take time to develop, and require both parties to be willing to share, trust and offer mutual support. Making all that happen takes effort by both parties.
One key element in building and maintaining a good friendship is being able to listen to the other person, especially when what he or she is sharing significant concerns about life issues. Most of us have experienced the disappointment of telling something important to a friend, only to have that person then say or do something that clearly indicates they weren't listening and didn't really hear what you were trying to share. Such experiences can result in the end of a friendship.
Good listening skills require attention and practice. For someone who wants to improve his or her listening skills, there are a few simple steps that will help.
A good starting point is to pay attention to how others listen to you. Make a list of the things that people do or say to indicate that they're paying attention to you and what you're saying. At the same time, do a second list of the actions and attitudes of people you perceive as poor listeners, who don't seem to really focus on your words or grasp your meaning. Then try to decide on which list your own behaviors would fall.
You should also be aware of some general guidelines that can help you be a more effective listener:
Being a good listener really is an art, and it's one that should be learned early. If you're a parent, set an example as a good listener for your children. When you ask how the school day was, take the time to stop what you're doing and actually listen to your child's report. When you only half pay attention, listening as you continue another activity, you're effectively saying the other activity is more important than your son or daughter. If you've ever tried to talk to someone who continues to read a report, or keeps checking the clock, sending clear non-verbal signals that he or she has little interest in your words, you know how unappreciated it can make you feel.
As a listener you also want to guard against responding to a friend's conversation by inserting your own experiences in a way that minimizes what the talker has just told you. When your friend is sharing an incident that has caused him or her pain, what's being sought is your understanding and sympathy. What isn't helpful is to hear you respond with a story of even a bigger tragedy that trivializes the first story. Such responses say to your friend that his or her experiences aren't really important, only yours. That's not the way to build a friendship.
It's also important to respect privacy. Being a good listener means recognizing what information is private and not to be repeated to others. But it's also fair to let your friend know when something is being shared that makes you uncomfortable or goes beyond the boundaries of what you want to hear or talk about.
Communication is a vital part of a good friendship. But it's important to remember that communication means both listening and talking. Become a good listener and you'll find the relationships between you and your friends will grow stronger.
"The Counseling Corner" is provided as a public service by the American Counseling Association, the nation's largest organization of counseling professionals. Additional information for consumers and counseling professionals is available through the ACA web site at www.counseling.org.
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For Publication: the week of August 28, 2006
Contact: John Lough, (208) 424-1900
email: counselingcorner@counseling.org
The Counseling Corner
Teasing Can Be A Serious Issue
from the American Counseling Association
"Sarah, your hair is weird looking..." "You're fat, Jason..." "Accept it Erin, nobody really likes you!"
What parent hasn't had to comfort a teary-eyed child who has been the victim of teasing? From the earliest school grades through high school (and sometimes beyond), teasing takes place, and often with painful, long-lasting effects.
But because it is so common-place, and because we've all been teased at various times in our lives, many parents, and school personnel, tend to dismiss teasing incidents as normal events that really don't do much harm. That's a view we might want to change, according to Dorothea M. Ross, a Ph.D. in Developmental Psychology and the author of the recent book, Childhood Bullying, Teasing and Violence: What School Personnel, Other Professionals, and Parents Can Do.
Although most schools actively try to combat physical violence, teasing tends to be a form of playground aggression that's easier to overlook. But as Dr. Ross points out, research today shows teasing can have very serious effects.
Studies find that children who are repeatedly teased may end up suffering from depression, anxiety, and sleep problems. They're more likely to avoid school, and in severe cases it can be a factor for suicide or violent outbursts.
It seems clear that it is important for parents and schools to take teasing seriously. But unfortunately, as Dr. Ross points out, most parents don't know how to respond properly to their child's report of teasing. Nor are they aware that there are procedures their child can learn to help stop the teasing.
Too often parents encourage their child to pay no attention to teasing, repeating the old adage, Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me." Such advice provides no real help, but may convince the child that his or her parents don't understand how painful it is to be teased.
Another parental response may be to minimize the problem, saying it's not worth worrying about. Some parents tell their son or daughter to just "tough it out," explaining that everyone gets teased and it helps build character. Again, this merely tells the child that his or her parents aren't getting the point.
What does work, Dr. Ross suggests, is to let your child know that what has upset him or her is just as serious a problem to you. You do that by listening sympathetically and with obvious interest to what happened. Try to see the problem from the child's point of view. Let your child tell the whole story, nodding in agreement as you hear what happened.
You don't want to argue about what took place or criticize how your child handled the situation. Showing any disapproval to a child already feeling hurt and picked upon can encourage him or her to withdraw and stop sharing information.
You also want to be supportive, showing your child you understand why the teasing was so upsetting. Share stories, whether real or hypothetical, of teasing incidents from your own experiences. Let your child know that it is perfectly normal to be upset by teasing.
If the teasing your child is facing is happening repeatedly, or is particularly cruel and hurtful, you should take additional steps to help your child learn how to handle and even stop future teasing.
Dr. Ross describes a variety of techniques that parents can help their children learn to ward off and even prevent teasing attacks. It may also be a good idea to talk with your child's school counselor, not to report the teaser, since that seldom stops the problem, but rather to see if he or she can help your child learn techniques to stop the teasing. A local counseling professional specializing in family or child counseling would also be able to help.
Teasing at school may not initially seem very important from an adult perspective, but for a child who is being taunted, harassed and laughed at on a daily basis it can be a problem that truly does affect his or her life.
Childhood Bullying, Teasing and Violence: What School Personnel, Other Professionals and Parents Can Do is available online through Amazon.com, or directly from the American Counseling Association (800-422-2648, ext. 222).
"The Counseling Corner" is provided as a public service by the American Counseling Association, the nation's largest organization of counseling professionals. Additional information for consumers and counseling professionals is available through the ACA web site at www.counseling.org.
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